Category Archives: Rant

10 Things We Can Learn From SPAM

zomg spam

So tonight I went to do my usual monthly routine of skimming through my spam folders to make sure that there was nothing legit accidentally placed in there. This is far from an enjoyable task, especially on my Yahoo mail account which averages 8,000-12,000 spam emails per month – a drawback no doubt from having the email publicly out there for over 11 years and used for pretty much all correspondence where I suspect I will be spammed.

I can safely say I pretty much fucking hate spammers. If I did not sign up to be on a mailing list for XYZ, DON’T FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT IT.

It is kind of interesting the shit you see in your spam box. And surprisingly it is lacking in diversity as when going through it there are some themes that seem really common.

This got me to thinking, if somehow all email was archived in a cave somewhere, and the Earth got fucked up by a meteor or something, and email was the only way visitors from space got to learn about our society, what would they learn about us if they read the spam?

1. Apparently folks in our society do not need to go to college to get an education – all you have to do is pay some site and you will receive a degree. Obviously this makes you highly qualified.

2. All Canadian pharmacies sell only viagra, cialas, and oxycontin. And everyone needs this stuff.

3. College girls love to masturbate, but only on camera. And only if you visit their site because they have a crush on you. And you pay them money. Maybe they would not need the money if they went to item #1 above.

4. Everyone needs more credit cards. Especially ones from no-name banks with 30% interest rates. But it’s ok, everyone that applies gets one!

5. I am pretty certain if the spam is to be believed I am the only person in the US without a time share! I guess I am not a good member of society.

6. Everyone on Earth seems to have some serious fecal problems. All we need is colon cleanse. Colon cleanse should obviously be a part of your daily consumption as if it were another food group.

7. You should never pay for software, music, movies. You can always get it cheap from China. Everyone in the software and entertainment biz works for free!

8. There is a lot of money waiting for me. In an African bank. Just provide pertinent bank info and await the deposit!

9. No one drives to work anymore. We all work from home making $7,500-$10,000 dollars a month with our own franchises.

10. And last but not least, there must have been a major outbreak of small penis syndrome since obviously EVERYONE needs penis enlargement.